Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Celebrities on Crack Update

Just to update this blog and to let the general public know: You may now add Mr. Tom Cruise to the list of celebrities who are smoking crack or have lost their fucking marbles. I have no problem with Katie Holmes, she is beautiful... except when she had that big scabby herpes blister on her lip. (Which I suspect was actually a severe burn as a result of a nasty crack pipe incident.) No, she is definitely cruise-worthy... but that bullshit that Tom pulled on Oprah was (say it with me)...
Bananas.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
I just don't get it. I thought Cruise was infallable. He can make a bad movie and still get away with it... even though most of his movies are good. He is maintaining his lusciousness while growing older remarkably well. He even pulls off the whole "I'm not gay" thing OK. Then he left Nicole... and picked up that "easy to envy, hard to like" skank, Penelope Cruz. (What's with the same last name thing?) I thought he was on the road to redemtion when he started showing up with the wholesome girl next door, Joey on his arm. And then, apparently, he hit the crackrock and decided: "I'm gon' go on T.V. and give a week of interviews where I just act like a fuckin' retard with a mission."

Tommy. Just say no.... to crack.
The drug I mean.
and PS....
don't kiss Katie when she has that growth on her mouth.
I think it might be catchy.
Love always,
Jeoffory

Monday, April 25, 2005

What Drug Am I?

You scored as Cocaine. Be careful, this drug is very addicting, and you can build a tolerance quickly.

Cocaine

81%

Ecstacy

69%

Inhalents

63%

Alcohol

63%

Marijuana

44%

None!

38%

Mushrooms

31%


What's your ideal drug?

Not a bad quiz... although they should really keep abreast of the latest trends... Cocaine is so very 1994 - These people have all evolved into speed freaks! The image could even pass for meth although some nice shiny shardz would be perfect.
Until next time...stay high!
XtremeParty77

Monday, April 11, 2005

Happy 4 Eleven

Happy 4/11 to all the crackheads, faggots, drunks, and other non-specific fuck ups who read my blog. Due to the fact that I dislike birthdays I decided that the day should simply be skipped and we would go from April 10th to the 12th so that I could bypass the aging process. However, pesky little laws of time and space prevented this plan from being realized. (Well, that and the fact that it was the only day I could get an appointment with a technician from my ISP. )

I may have no choice but to acknowledge the day, but that won't prevent me from living in a state of denial. So I have decided to forgo the celebration of being squeezed out of the womb and instead celebrate one more year of managing not to die. Then I realized that I sounded like a high school gothic poetry fag who wears all black to symbolize the despair in my soul. Not gonna fly- I have a white and beige dog and a soft spot for stimulants of the ivory hue. I would spend countless hours obsessing with a lint brush and my trench coat.

Maybe I needed to think about why I hate birthdays in order to come up with a way out of adding another candle to my cake. Hmm... well, let's see. First, I can't stand the fact that people who don't call you all year feel the need to call you up and spend 15 minutes on the phone faking that they are interested in what's going on in your life. I despise the stack of cards from your poverty stricken acquaintences with jokes about how old you are (no matter what age that is.) They're almost less funny than the ones with the hot naked man (or woman) on the front, a repulsive, obese, troll on the inside, and an predictable little pun informing you that the bearded lady is the only person who you could possible fuck. I resent the fact that you are expected to go out to breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, and ice cream with people and that it is necessary to threaten the life and well-being of every server you have to avoid the clapping screaming line of employees chanting a birthday cadence with disgusted looks or blank stares on their faces. I don't like the fact that your friends and family feel obligated to purchase you a gift even if they can't afford to... afterall you really didn't do anything to deserve the gift, did you? If anyone, they should buy your mother a gift - she had to push something the size of a watermelon out of her vagina and then tolerate it chewing her nipples raw, screaming all night, and shitting itself several times a day. I'd say she deserves at least a month's supply of valium as compensation. Finally, I hate the pie. Not a real pie... but the symbolic pie chart of life that represents how much of your time is gone. At 25 I envisioned the pie missing one fourth of itself, although that's a little unrealistic as few people live 100 years. I'm pretty certain I'm gonna kick the bucket at 35 but I don't have the spacial skills to formulate a pie that would accurately represent 35 years.... so I just stick to the 100 year pie. Anyways, a quarter of the pie wasn't terrible... but at 28 I am now unmistakably munching into the second piece and I can no longer hide my gluttony by trying to cut tiny slivers from the pie so that no one will notice I've been eating it. OK.... I got off on a tangent... back to the dilemma. It seems that I have a problem with all the focus on me when a birthday comes 'round.

That's it!! My way out... make the day NOT be about ME!

I will use the art distraction..... I'll divert the attention away from myself by creating another holiday! People always say it sucks to have your birthday fall on Christmas or Halloween because no one cares about your shitty party when there is presents or candy for THEMSELVES to be had. Easter moves around too much to be effective... I can't use that. It will need to be something sneaky and new, something universal that spans all walks of life... regardless of religion or race or who died that day.

*PONDER*
...
*LIGHTBULB*
...
Sometimes the answer is there all along... but you can't see the forest for the trees.

Ladies and gentlement, slags and fags, it is with great honor that I declare today, April 11, World White Drugs and Butt Sex Appreciation Day. You may take both today AND tomorrow off of work as you will probably have a sore arsehole from all the WWDBSAD festivities. I guess we'll be needing some sort of symbol or mascot that is tied in with a legend explaining why we take this day each year to embrace chemically enhanced anal stimulation. I'll need some more time ... but check back before the clock strikes midnite and hopefully I'll have come up with something worthy... lest I be changed into a glass crackpipe by some fairy.

Until next time...stay high!
XtremeParty77

Friday, April 01, 2005

Web Hosting Blues

Grrr...
My web hosting company (who had been fairly decent until now) decided to be a bunch of knobs and suspended my account for using too much of the server resources. So until I can get the domains transferred to my new hosting company (about 48hrs) all of my websites will be down. Sketchy Mess, Your Bottom Drawer, Jeoffory dot info, etc are all affected. BTW compuwebhosting dot com are a bunch of rip off artists who way oversell their server space and cancel your account when your site gets busy. My plan was supposed to include 50GB of bandwidth. I had only used 9GB and they suspended my account. Fuckers.

Until next time...stay high!
XtremeParty77

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Gas too much? Try Coke

Talk about high gas prices ...
The history of a used car could lead to legal problems for a previous owner. A usually reliable Toyota's sudden tendency to decelerate led to a Louisiana family's discovery that they had been driving around for years with cargo worth more than their car. The family bought their 1996 Toyota Camry in 1997 and the vehicle ran fine until last week. That's when the owners started noticing a loss of power in the vehicle.
The mechanic hired to look into the problem found two bricks of cocaine powder, worth $40,000, in the gas tank. The drugs were wrapped around the vehicle's fuel line. Apparently the wrapping around the two kilograms of cocaine had only recently come loose. James Hartman, spokesman for the sheriff's office, says the family hadn't had any major mechanical difficulties with the car until last week. Local authorities said the car's current owners are not involved in drug trafficking. Investigators checking the vehicle's ownership records to determine who might have owned the drugs.

If this had been my car I would have politely requested that the remaining brick of the devil's dandruff be returned to me. Afterall, there are probably some serious car repair bills to be paid.
This reminds me of the time my friend's horn stopped working and our other friend (who did car repair) was going to take a look at it for her. Well, he pops off the steering cover to get to the horn and out plops a bag of white drugs. It was about an 8ball. We were all already high and sketchy so we became convinced that it was some secret plot to set us up with drugs. We immediately flushed it down the toilet. Later when we thought about it and the fact that my friend purchased the car through a mutual friend who was in the "sales" field we realized that we had probably overreacted.
We all promptly kicked ourselves in the arse at the waste of good drugs.

Until next time...stay high!
XtremeParty77